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Why I’ll never be a personal trainer (another email forward)

April 30, 2005

Good health questions & answers

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it,
don’t piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving
it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the
world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We
all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on
the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain
– Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of
mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in
record time.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

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